The Elephant in the Room

Today I visited a side of town that I haven't been to in months. I had an appointment with the optometrist so I trekked back over to the north west side of Indy, where I spent my 1st year and a half in this city.

Wow. So many memories came flooding back. The sidewalk path I jogged each day to the gym, the Half Priced Bookstore, the hospital. Since I was nearby, I decided to take a spin through our old complex. Wow again. I remember those speed bumps and the way the water pooled up on the tennis courts when it rained and our neighbor's giant white pimped-out Caddy [which was still parked in his spot]. I parked in my old parking space and sat in front of my old home. 

Wow. The game nights. The pool parties. The heart-to-hearts with my roommate. The quick-changes as I got home from one job just to head on to my next one (referring, of course, to my very short stint as a Cracker Barrel waitress). The twin bed I had slept on since childhood. My hamster, Ben. 
The boy who knocked and stood awkwardly at my doorstep in the evening light, holding a two liter of Pepsi, about to clumsily and completely steal my heart away for the very first time.

They are all still there. Ghosts. Looming and haunting that batch of memories. I can close my eyes and be there instantly. Of course, so much of it has to do with him.

The first night he "stayed over" which was really us having one of our most heartfelt conversations on my couch. The time I saw that he had matching profile pictures with another girl, and told him it was probably best we didn't see each other anymore, which resulted in the first of many times he convinced me it wasn't a big deal and to give it more time. The night we slow danced in my living room to the opening credits of Sword in the Stone and he called me Girl Squirrel for months. Rock climbing. LOST viewing. The "I'll be there at 9's" which of course meant 9:30 or pushing 10. Breaking up and making up. It's all still there, right where we left it.

I'm not entirely sure how this break up thing goes for other people. I feel a bit at a loss. I could be wrong, but I feel like everyone else did this when they were 16, yet here I am, mid-twenties, rocking out to Taylor Swift and crying into my diary. 

I'm not sure what it was about these last couple of days. I have seen him and heard him and read his name everywhere. It's a weird realization when it comes to you that you miss the essence of a person, what they meant to you, and how they made you feel more than you ever actually missed the person. The BIG lesson at this time, however, is forgetting vs. letting go.

I keep thinking that I'm going to forget. That little details - a look in the eye, a smell, an exact spot, a moment in time - that they will disappear. I'm sure, over lots and lots of time, some of them will. They'll be replaced by new memories, new spots, new kisses. To let it go, though, I no longer feel required to forget it all. It's funny, really, because I've moved on from people and situations in the past and of course I still remember them, they just no longer have any bearing on my life. This one [of course] is different, or at least feels that way.

Believe me when I tell you that I am the one most eager to lay this chapter of my life to rest. I like to joke about it, but I don't really feel like clinging to and losing myself in another guy is my answer. Being friendly and cordial with him is definitely not my answer. Forgetting he ever existed -- probably not going to happen either. So it seems that facing it is still my best option. Sorting through the various emotions, and picking and choosing what can stay and all the rest that has to go.

Bear with me, my loves. You're holding in there like champs. I hope you've been picking up on the changing tones as I emerge from this cocoon of bleh that always surrounds these sorts of things. I can feel it anyway.

Lots and lots of love to you, dears.

Ever Your Plucky Picaroon

Sarah :: Plucky in Love

Sarah, aka "Plucky", blogs on the reg, unless she's on vacation or there's a Pretty Little Liars marathon or she's mulling over the implications of the phrase "on fleek." She can't live without iced coffee, a portable phone charger, or equal pay. Say hello!

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