Dedicated, Too [an exposition]

Tonight, I figured it out.

I always like to claim that I don't like "commitment," and yet I jumped-pushed-pulled-scratched-bit my way into it in my recent past. Are you confused by that?
Because I am.

Tonight, though, I think I figured it out.

After class, Emily and I were discussing life after graduation. For me, that's about 10 months away. [Eeek!]

"What happens?" I asked her. "I move somewhere, go to work during the day, and come home at night? Is that it?"

We both realized that we have a desire to be working toward something. It may not be school (like it has been for so much of our lives) but something has to be on the agenda. Hopefully, a fulfilling career or a family or new goals and dreams.

"But you're still convinced you want to move away?" she asked me. "Away from your family? And everything you know?"

"Yes! I guess I figure I can always come back but I won't always be able to go, you know? And I'll always wonder what if," I replied. "But I just want to go for a little while. A year, maybe."

And finally it hit me.

I am, as I've proclaimed over and over, loudly [to myself and others], 

very leary of commitment. On the other hand, I can't take one breath or live one day without "dedication." 

I crave dedication. To goals. Dreams. Travel. Books and clubs. Friends and family.
I have to be dedicated to something or what's the point?

So, now I think I'm starting to understand.

That last guy? Well, from day one [or maybe 3] it was very clear that this was not anywhere near a lifelong thing. "The end is in sight" was the initial draw (though also the final straw?).
It's not forever. I can't dedicate my life to something or someone. At most, you get a year or two. I need to know what I'm signing up for - what's our deadline?
And then... I'm in for the long haul. Just try to get rid of me. It won't happen. I'm dedicated.

But commitment? Forever and ever amen?

Well, that still [honestly] scares the bejesus out of me.

Sarah :: Plucky in Love

Sarah, aka "Plucky", blogs on the reg, unless she's on vacation or there's a Pretty Little Liars marathon or she's mulling over the implications of the phrase "on fleek." She can't live without iced coffee, a portable phone charger, or equal pay. Say hello!

No comments:

Post a Comment