Big Ships. Small Ships. Friendships.

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely.  Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Have you ever come across in a moment in life when you really need a good friend?As a person who generally prides herself on trying to be a good friend, this is a new one for me. If you need forgiveness, understanding, someone to be as excited/upset/confused as you, I'm your girl. I am honored when people feel that they are comfortable enough with me to share what's up in their lives, and talk through personal dilemmas or share ridiculous family dramas. I love being a friend to people. Which is not to say I don't have my moments of being less-than-friendly, but I hope you get the idea.
I hate needing a friend though -- being the person in need of understanding, who just humiliated herself, who made an awful decision, or said/did the inappropriate thing... 
I find myself in the midst of some really wonderful friends these days. I haven't known most them for a terribly long time, but I love them. More importantly, I can feel them loving me. I've spent my entire life avoiding close friendships. I had four best friends before college. Two were in elementary school, and lasted the length of a school year. The other two were sisters and we practically grew up together. I love being there for people, but I hate needing them.
My friends now are simply wonderful people. I have stumbled upon an assorted group of fine young women who are doing amazing things with their lives. They are not perfect. Sarcasm, alcohol-related misadventures, bad romances. No one has her dream job or is at an ideal place or would claim to know or be better than anyone else. But they really are wonderful. 
I have experienced more understanding, communication, sharing, and forgiveness in this short time span than I could ever possibly deserve. I'm so thankful to have them. I look forward to a bit more wholeness so that I can be a contributing member of these relationships as opposed to neurotic, stressed, and a worry wart. The only trouble is, they're so understanding, that they seem to think it's okay that I'm the one in need right now. I'm not claiming comfort with this arrangement, and I plan to keep moving forward and growing and trying to learn balance. I don't know, though, if they will ever know how much the past few months have meant to me. Even if this is short lived and we all go separate ways soon or I finally mess up enough to break our tenuous bonds or life just changes and we grow in different directions. These instances of friendship are forming life long expectations, of the friends I want and the kind of friend I hope to get to be someday.
I love them. And, though it is painful to admit I need it, I am so glad they love me, for all my quirks and shenanagins. 
"You can't look back. What's done is done. You can only plan on what you want to do or how you want to handle it next time," a friend said to me today. 
She's right. I can't change the ways I have needed these girls the last few months, and my guess is they would probably be hurt if I wanted to. And maybe I'm just really not at a place in life where I have the support or emotional energy or good-decision-making to offer, but one thing is certain: My friends will never question how special and wonderful and necessary they are to me, not if I have anything to say about it.

ps. This probably means friendship bracelets and BFF necklaces in their near futures. Don't tell them. ;)

Sarah :: Plucky in Love

Sarah, aka "Plucky", blogs on the reg, unless she's on vacation or there's a Pretty Little Liars marathon or she's mulling over the implications of the phrase "on fleek." She can't live without iced coffee, a portable phone charger, or equal pay. Say hello!

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