Sometimes, I hate my horoscope:
You aren't prepared to say exactly what you are feeling today
because you don't want to add to the current drama.
However, you're still eager to demonstrate your love and are able to do so
in a manner that won't make anyone uncomfortable.
Of course, taking a risk by telling someone about
your heart's desires can be rather scary,
so don't reveal too much too fast.
The trouble is, I don't even actually believe in horoscopes, but they always seem to hit eerily upon whatever is going on that day.
Bah.
Anyway, I've been reminiscing a lot in the last 24 hours about the past year and a half. Having a date, I think, pulled some suppressed feelings and memories to the surface.
But I'm actually feeling pretty good about how all it came about.
I think I may be getting passed some of the anger and hurt. Hooray! People told me that would happen; next time, I'll believe them.
As time is going by, I find myself very uncomfortable with the role of "victim" in all of this, and (while it hurts to do so), I've really begun to exam some of my motivations with regards to that relationship.
Admittedly, I'm still pretty convinced that if you tallied it all up on a scoreboard, it would be clear who most negatively impacted the game. I don't like the weird emotional place where I feel "taken advantage of" or anything like that, though.
I'm a grown woman.
I work, and pay my bills, and go to schoool full time. And I've kept this fish alive for over a month now(!!), so no. I'm not a weak-minded imbecile who was led down a path of nefarious intentions by a malicious, deceitful predator of some sort.
Am I still mad and hurt? You bet your sweet bippy I am.
Do I still feel somewhat cheated by the lack of honesty, openness, and discussion of his motivations/ever-changing emotional state? Yeah.
But I also had plenty of chances to throw in that towel. There's no need to go into all the nitty-gritty ugly details, but let's just say it was rarely rainbows and butterflies as far as I could see.
However, I loved him.
And I made choices based on that. Illogical, irrational, (for all intents and purposes) dumb choices.
But I made them.
I fell in love for the first time in my life.
I'm going to hold on to that as lesson I take from this.
So many other people and experiences await me in terms of anger and hurt and disappointment.
But
I got to fall in love.

That is beautiful.

Sarah :: Plucky in Love

Sarah, aka "Plucky", blogs on the reg, unless she's on vacation or there's a Pretty Little Liars marathon or she's mulling over the implications of the phrase "on fleek." She can't live without iced coffee, a portable phone charger, or equal pay. Say hello!

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