Being right is not particularly snuggly. Recognizing what you deserve does not take you out on dates or bring you wine or hold your hand. Refusing to settle is a terrible spooner. Knowing that you're worth being 'the one and only' never texts, calls, or comments on your facebook status.
Sometimes, for very brief moments, I think that I could choose to be really weak. I think I could settle and get to spoon, even as the 'other' instead of the 'one.' There are lots of songs about that... "I may hate myself in the morning but I'm going to love you tonight" or "I'm going to love you like there's no tomorrow" or "I know I let you have all the power but I'm addicted to you." The list goes on and on. Stories of people who know that they are making terrible, aweful, hurtful decisions but they aren't strong enough to stay away.
Maybe I'm alone. And I miss spooning terribly. And holding hands is one of my favorites. And I like knowing someone's favorite band and how he's going to react to a "Lord of the Rings" film reference.
Maybe I miss those things. And I'm still very terrible at being alone. And there are plenty of tears still to be shed.
(and unfortunately for my snuggling habits)
I am too strong...
I know what I deserve and it's partly those things, but it's more. I am worth the effort of dates and phone calls. I am made to be the girl. I want to give and love and share, and I deserve someone who does those things in return. I deserve honesty.
I am definitely not perfect. I've come to enjoy a good temper tantrum (including stomping off and crying). I'm neurotic about my facebook posts. I will often choose sleep over social functions. I generally need to respond to text messages, even if there's nothing to reply to. I have to talk about everything. I have a lot of expectations, some of which may be arguably unreasonable...
I've been very mad at myself for missing it all so much when I know that I was right. I did the right thing (even if I didn't go about in the best way). If I know that I'm right, and I deserve more, then why am I upset? Shoudn't I be giddy now that I've freed myself to other possibilities? Why does it make me nauseous to try to talk with some other boy? What is wrong with me?
This is what I've come to know: There's nothing wrong with me.
I gave a lot of myself to this. I tried and worked and loved and shared and held hands and spooned and put up with terrible taste in music (on multiple occasions), and I have every right to be upset and hurt and miss all of it.
Missing it, though, doesn't change the fact that I was right. Or that I did the right thing.
When I look back at this (in my imagination, I'm re-reading this blog with the love of my life next to me and I'm incredibly thankful for the experiences that led me to him), I will be able to see how I've grown.. how we both grew.
When I consider things from this perspective, I still cannot make myself regret anything - even the decision that ended it. It's all of equal importance.
And so, I will continue to miss spooning and laughing and tickling. I will cry or laugh when certain memories come to mind. I will sometimes ramble on about it, and sometimes have nothing to say.
I will mourn. I will yell. I will make terrible and awkward jokes. I will sing at the top of my lungs in the car. I will have no appetite one day and be starving the next. I will grow. I will move on.
Most importantly,

So... This is me. For now.

Sarah :: Plucky in Love

Sarah, aka "Plucky", blogs on the reg, unless she's on vacation or there's a Pretty Little Liars marathon or she's mulling over the implications of the phrase "on fleek." She can't live without iced coffee, a portable phone charger, or equal pay. Say hello!

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